the last 30 seconds is how I get allllll mah men.

in reality: most of the kids I work with have moves, but some of them look like this and that’s when I’m all, “Oh wow you’re really good, go show Mr. T your moves.” or “Allright, you guys don’t have homework… go make up a breakdancing routine.” Or when I’m really bored me and my fave coworker will tell them we’re renting a bus, going to Hollywood, we have 15 open spots, and they have to show us their talent to get a seat. That’s when shit gets real interesting. I’m talking hoola hoops and tumbling across kickball fields interesting.

edit: Today I subbed middle school and I was drinking a 711 coffee 1st period. One said, so you shop at 711? I said, yes it’s the only place I get food from. He said, wait what. And I said, I only eat donuts, coffee and cheeseits from 711. Another kid said, but what about real food? And I said, sometimes I get a banana. They asked if I had any special talents. I told them I am really good at climbing trees because I wear special shoes that shoot out spikes that stick into the trees and yodeling. (they didn’t know what that was and I wasn’t about to even fake show them) Then I let them have a dance competition at the end of class for kind of listening. One boy kept asking about my boyfriend….. that is nonexistent but I pretended I did have one. “Is he still in high school? Does he work at 711?” OI VEY. 

I think it is okay to say these things because I am a substitute. I’ll never see them again. Maybeee. Also, we’re both getting entertained, right?

Reasons why being a substitute isn’t bad but definitely isn’t great:

I’M GETTING PAID TO DO THIS SHIT. It is just upsetting that anyone is, really.

This past week I was imprisoned to an in school detention room. I sat for four days with no windows, no natural light for 7 hours straight in complete silence. The time was spent embroidering [students said- ”what are you crocheting?” “she’s making that for me, I know it.” “can I touch this string?”] (finished product pictured above), read (multiple books, including one of the student’s books that he was supposed to read for class but I kept  because I had finished my own and needed new material), and one day I made a kid use their log in so that I could get on the computer for a while (played ‘sugar, sugar’ …addicted… play it here AND I took advantage of a working printer and got lotsa copies of resumes, transcripts, cover letters, etc)

By the fourth day, I was tired and I was bored. I started talking to them. I had talked to them previous days but they were weird and actually did stay quiet all day so I didn’t push it because occasionally a sheriff would come in and yell at the students that I let sleep and I was worried I wouldn’t get another job there….. and because I am poor as shit, that matters.

These are things these idiots kids said to me:

To start let me describe the kids. (There were 2 this day.) One a boy that had been in every day I have ever subbed for ISD at this school, easy to get along with, obviously trying to act “bad.” The girl came in the previous day and asked if she was supposed to be there, I said no. As she left, a boy in the room said “Yo that girl is dumb as f**k.” I said the usual, that’s rude, be respectful. BUT MAYBE I ACTED TOO SOON???

The first 10 minutes of ISD was spent with her trying to plug in her phone charger. It took her 10 minutes to plug in a phone charger. She then got on the computer. Had 5 internet windows open and kept saying, “What the hell?”

These are things she said:

“I don’t talk to white people.” (she is white)

“Dictionaries are for retarded people. I have a contract to not say that word.”

“Oh you didn’t have it easy? You went to VCU. My mom went there. But she is a stripper now.”

“OMG. I would do suicide if I had to stay at home with my mom all day.”

“I threw up on a cop’s shoes and he was like ‘you’re gonna pay for that.’ And I was like no way is that coming out of my drug money. Oh oops.”

(After a 3 minute bathroom break) “Okay it’s your fault for letting me go to the bathroom. You will never guess what just happened. My boyfriend just broke up with me out there.”

These are things that he said:

“I was about to kill someone over 20 dollars once. Like not kill someone but like I was in his neighborhood on my moped with a pistol. I was wearing flip flops because I had just gotten done playing basketball.”

….do they think I can’t hear? I just. 

(After he went to the bathroom across the hall aka also asked a nerd for his lunch on the way back and the nerd…. of course…. said yes) “It is a save-the-planet-nutrigrain bar.”

So that happened. And at my other job, my really awesome boss that always tells me he loves me “resigned” from his job but I think he was actually fired. I DON’T EVEN WANNA GO BACK. I just want a real job that’s maybe not even teaching? Is that a crime. Yes. A loan enforcement crime. I fucking hate money. And all I want issssssssssssss (xxx) (asljkdfkjsbvoe) things I’m not allowed to have/really really want. Life. I can’t love it or hate it I just live it but if you’re poor and all you do is work to live then where is the fun in living. Blah.

lolol. she is supposed to put the specifics for the day that I substitute. 

SILLY OLD TEACHERS. at least I got a jobbbbb.

I wish I didn’t have to be healthy because I would eat cookies all day.

Poetry 101.

“I am smart and talented.

I wonder what my future will be like.

I hear a pencil drawing on paper.

I see myself in fame.

I pretend to be older.

I feel a pencil being grasped in my hand.

I worry about rugged dunderheads.

I cry when the dunderheads hit me.

I am smart and talented.

I understand when people are mean.

I say, ‘when people disrespect me, they disrespect themselves.’

I dream that people will live forever.

I try to play sports.

I hope that people would stop picking on me.

I am smart and talented.”

-ShaKing

“I am intelligent, academic. 

I wonder will my dad forgive me. 

I hear strange sounds.

I see my mother and father. 

I want my life to get better. 

I pretend to be with my mom. 

I feel confused. 

I touch myself.

I worry I will never see my mom again. 

I cry when I think about my mom. 

I am intelligent, academic. 

I understand my mom is gone. 

I say she will come back.

I dream my life is great. 

I try to believe in myself. 

I hope I will see her again. 

I am intelligent, academic.”

-RJ

I had the kids write poetry today. It will be accompanied with a self portrait. These kids are something. ShaKing is always getting picked on. It is sad to see it really, really hurting him. I need to find him a friend. And RJ. He is my buddy through and through. From day one he told me his life story about his mother leaving him. It seems she may call time to time to make promises and never fulfills them. But he keeps on believing. “I touch myself.” ??? Not sure. HAHA. He is going through puberty but he is a wise young man and would say something of the sort much more eloquently. ANYWAY IT ALL JUST BREAKS MY HEART. I love them so much. 

***Substituting today: got stuck with one hell of a heartthrob-flirt-a-holic-beautiful-kindhearted-hilarious black man today. Loved every second of it. Even the seconds I realized I was in the masturbating kid’s room. “I think he is excited because you are here with us today.” UH.

Quotes I liked/did not like from today: 

“You’re quiet. You need to talk to them.” STUPID FUCKING HIGH SCHOOLER.

“You’re a natural. I can’t believe you’ve never worked with special ed kids before.” WISE SPECIAL ED TEACHER

“Aw, he likes you! You’re his friend.” Hott hottie. 

“I’m just gonna let him go to the bathroom and get it out of his system.” GUESS

“He thinks that just because he is humming and singing and I am humming and singing with him that I don’t SEE HIM right now with his hands down his pants.” JUST GUESS AGAIN